i was seeing this girl for a few weeks at this point. she gave me some awful news: i was about to be a daddy. long story short, i was performing a back-alley abortion yesterday and the coat hanger got snagged on everything it possibly could have. haha i tell you i had no idea which blood belonged to me, her, or our (former) future-ryan-jr. so anyways i had her mother drive me to the ER, where i received 3 stitches and hep C. me and that chick are still together now, and we had ryan jr. bronzed to make a nice little conversation piece in our breakfast nook. there was even a benefit to this ordeal: she's unable to conceive from now on! :) no more rhythm method for me! shit never worked anyways...

thanks for this freelance writing gig. i look forward to future opportunities to share my experiences with the world.

--fatryan